“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth; for thy love is better than wine,” (Can 1:2)
The inner and the outer beloved visit us in our dreams and in our infatuations. The inner beloved is associated with the spiritual and God as lover and the outer takes the projections of love. These projections help us hook up with partners and lift us up until such time as we settle into the work of true relationship, whoever it is with, whatever gender they happen to be. The inner beloved keep us connected to our Spiritual Path and opens up as we walk more deeply into it. The outer lover grounds us in the earth helping us make real on the earth real love.
Recently I attended a wedding of my friends, Allison and Melissa, with a beautiful ceremony outside, and marvelous food to celebrate the occasion.
Being at the wedding, brought me back to my teen years in “Our Lady of the Angels” Boarding school in Mullingar, Ireland. We were a group of thirty five girls spread over three grades and as I turned fifteen, I was leaning into my own feelings about who I was attracted to. I fell deeply for a young woman who came to the school for one year.
When ever I looked into her eyes I felt a rush of warm feeling that made me want to faint. I know now that my first love was the object of my projection of the beloved. First love is usually accompanied with the first movement of energy in the first chakra, the root of ourselves.
Another girl asked if I wanted a kiss and before I could say anything I was kissed. I did not care for her so much and when she started pinching me, as I climbed the stairs ahead of her, I turned around and slapped her hard on the face. Sister Thomas heard about it and looked at me with great disapproval. from across the wooden classroom desk.
Toward the end of the school year, I went to my beloved’s bed but Sister Patrice was doing her rounds and I was shunted back to my bed. I remember that delicious feeling as we lay together. I have it now for my lover when we lay together.
In my dormitory with about twenty beds, I settled into my own and listened to someone playing pop music on radio Luxembourg, under their bedclothes. Sister Patrice said she would tell the priest about me. I was intimidated by her but she said no more about my night time wanderings either.
I was jealous of my beloved’s closeness with a fellow classmate and I thought slapping her would help. Before I did so, she said that if I ever did slap her she would not speak to me again. She kept her word and I found myself facing the pain and loneliness of the situation.
The school year ended soon and I wrote to her in vein. I moved on to my first job in a restaurant , and met a boyfriend. He was briefly my new beloved.
I have had intense feelings for at least two other women over my twenties and thirties. I had a dream about one, that our big toes touched and I was flooded with ecstatic feelings, light climbing up through me and filling me. I read at the time that in some Indian Religion a goddess resided in the big toe.
I categorize the above outburst of light, as a Kundalini experience, where that energy was moving in my first chakra and flooded me with intense feelings, which then got projected onto my friend. I had an active meditation practice and worked with a mentor.
My mentor, and other writers of the Psychoanalytic, interprets such movement of energy as something to be observed, rather than acted out. I was in no mode to be careful initially, dealing with an inflation of this outburst of spiritual energy, and told me friend about these feelings.
My mentor held the space for me and interpreted another dream, (of a very dark sky and back door banging dangerously,) telling me to be careful with me feelings, to contain myself and not put my family, of three young children and a busy husband, at risk.
I felt mortified to be rejected, but in the end, that projection subsided and the energy in the first chakra normalized, and it did not hurt our friendship and we remained good comfortable friends, over the years.
A recent dream of lesbian lovers came to me just before the above wedding. In my dream one girl wanted to stay in the relationship with deep love but the other wanted out.
After talking to a very attentive friend at the wedding and after considering the dream in a meditation hour, I realize that the two women represent aspects of me. One wants to stay with the inner beloved, exploring the relationship and the other wants to go out looking for ten thousand things that are to be found out there.
I am doing an eleven day kundalini practice, finishing at Solstice. I wept one morning big salty tears as I considered the division in me, how I am not able to fight for the woman who only wants the beloved, to love and serve. My tears went into my ears, and mixed with the sandy salt still in there from my encounter with the ocean on the last morning on the beach.
I was trying to get out of a full tide, rolling waves situation, and it took four efforts; climbing out, anchoring my feet into the shifting sand, grabbing the ground when I was down on my knees, going with the wave as far in as I could, before being dragged in again.
After the fourth wave broke over me, I was far enough up the sand to jump up and run for my life out of the water. There was pounds of sand in my swimsuit and my hair surely rustled as I left the beach, little sandy stones spraying around me out of my white curls.
Sometimes I like to say that I am giving God a chance to get me at least once a day, especially if I have a near miss, driving, or biking into a ditch, or fighting against the water. I usually get a good laugh for that. But now that I am thinking about this thing that I have no control over, I really do not want to pass over any time soon. I want to use this valuable time to love and serve and to see how to do it the better, complete with inner and outer lover. I am held lovingly as I work on these words.
Letting me headstrong self out of the genii bottle can be a good thing, as long as I know where I am going… straight forward wherever the spirit leads. Love from Rose Marie.